Love & Hate Poker

I love poker.

I hate poker.

I love poker.

I hate poker. 

I love poker (when I win).

I hate poker (bad beats, cooler etc).

Been like this for a very long time. I started this game because I love the psychological challenge of the game. I am not naturally good at it, I know people who are - my friend. Besides being psychologically competitive, he is also good at maths. He challenged me on chess every time we met when I taught him the game. He went on to represent our high school and won countless medals.

He played magic cards, I don't know the game. And went on the bridge, and then to poker. He doesn't read a single book. I asked his starting days of poker. Deposit ten dollar. Busted. Bought another ten from friend, and never made another deposit ever since. 

I am not sure where I am going, probably viewing poker in a different perspective. Of someone like me, with a pipe-dream, looking across to winning players on the other side of the coast. I read about poker blogs, tweets and news every day and there are regulars who just win every single month, basically always an uptrend. Though there are swings but they don't last, and continue going up.

As for me, after two long years, I have seen vast improvements and reading the game with much much more perspective than the past. Work on my game, view hand history, bought (tons of) books to focus on certain games, no external coaching.

I am seeing myself beginning to change from a consistent loser into a break-even player. I see myself having gradual improvements when I take things one at a time. A table at a time, a hand for a hand. Disaster struck whenever I tries to multi-table or trying to grind the shit-ass vpp points, because stars really got wonder vip store.

Every single day when I grind, there is not a day when there is no bad beat. For example, past two days I finish two 9SNG turbo 1st, but today I busted two 9SNG turbo 4th (on the friggin' bubble), both going in with AQ < QJ and AK < A7 respectively. 

I admit injustice tilt affects me a lot. No cards going in preflop has 100% winning rate. But its just me. How do you unsuffocate yourself from these unavoidable encounters. Probably work on my mind, my thinking, my thoughts. Some times it is just killing me.

While playing ZOOM today, I went down, followed by doubling-up. Tilt after 9SNG turbo busto on the bubble and back to where I started. Just as I kept telling myself hateful things about poker as well as checking the "Sit out next big blind" box, I doubled-up that last hand ending the day positive, as if poker heard my whines and tells me to come back next time. Freaky.

I am still unemployed. I am still not making consistent money, and I am worried. I am doing something everyday (job search/grinds) and all I can do is wait. 

"Destiny has arranged your way ahead."